Friday, October 03, 2008
Getting back into an angry place vs God's Love
I have run a gamut of emotions within the past week or so, and last night was a test to the ultimate for me. I'm not going to go into too many details, just for the fact that they are so personal to me and those involved...but I will explain a few things I have learned. If you have read this blog, I'll first of all thank you for keeping up with my life and being a friend!...and you have probably caught one particular past blog regarding my battles to remain patient for employment. http://janechildonehitwonder.blogspot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html
I promised myself that I would complete my "getting back to life after Iowa" plan by the following path...1st Getting back to my church, 2nd Getting out of a job that BOTH grips my time and is not what I felt God had planned for me anymore 3rd Getting a job that does fulfill a godly purpose AND that will sustain me...and last night, I thought I might be working towards that 4th goal...a goal as mentioned in that particular blog as putting myself on the line PERSONALLY for god's awesome glory. Well, god decided something different, and I cannot believe the range of emotions I have been through in the past 12 or so hours because of it. Anger(at god AND others), Embarrassment at putting myself on the line personally and crashing(which to be honest, was pretty minimal in the whole picture), Frustration(that I have been so patient, yet will be "denied access"), despair(at something so painful for so long that has existed that will not yet be resolved), hope(that there is a great possibility a communication line will stay open...thank GOD!), and of course, the toughest one for me...being heartbroken at results of my effort. I will ask for your prayers in one I am attempting to build after this crash...and that is resolve...because God's love is so worth trying to build a relationship with others in his name...and if more of his children could only understand this, rather than be wrapped up in so many other things than his love...It would be unreal how peaceful and understanding through the heart of Jesus this sinful world could become.
I would also like to ask for prayers at what I am despairing over, because in the long run...this one is going to eat at me if I cannot get through it. I am amazed at how this 4th goal attempt has turned out in so many ways, and I continue to examine personal feelings of what God has put forth, so please pray for strength for me as well.
I promised myself that I would complete my "getting back to life after Iowa" plan by the following path...1st Getting back to my church, 2nd Getting out of a job that BOTH grips my time and is not what I felt God had planned for me anymore 3rd Getting a job that does fulfill a godly purpose AND that will sustain me...and last night, I thought I might be working towards that 4th goal...a goal as mentioned in that particular blog as putting myself on the line PERSONALLY for god's awesome glory. Well, god decided something different, and I cannot believe the range of emotions I have been through in the past 12 or so hours because of it. Anger(at god AND others), Embarrassment at putting myself on the line personally and crashing(which to be honest, was pretty minimal in the whole picture), Frustration(that I have been so patient, yet will be "denied access"), despair(at something so painful for so long that has existed that will not yet be resolved), hope(that there is a great possibility a communication line will stay open...thank GOD!), and of course, the toughest one for me...being heartbroken at results of my effort. I will ask for your prayers in one I am attempting to build after this crash...and that is resolve...because God's love is so worth trying to build a relationship with others in his name...and if more of his children could only understand this, rather than be wrapped up in so many other things than his love...It would be unreal how peaceful and understanding through the heart of Jesus this sinful world could become.
I would also like to ask for prayers at what I am despairing over, because in the long run...this one is going to eat at me if I cannot get through it. I am amazed at how this 4th goal attempt has turned out in so many ways, and I continue to examine personal feelings of what God has put forth, so please pray for strength for me as well.
